Shoes

Why are shoes so uncomfortable? I don't much like shoes. Mostly I walk around barefoot whenever possible. If I'm not barefoot I like to cuddle up with a nice pair of cozy slippers.

Slippers are so wonderful. They cuddle and gently hug my feet. They are nice and warm and soft. Shoes however are the anti-slipper. Shoes are hard and mean and hurt my feet. Doesn't matter which shoes I'm wearing. I have many many pairs. Some for dressing up in dresses, some for walking around with my jeans, some for that in the middle casual look. I know that without shoes I would step on rocks and hot cement and it would be painful, however every time I wear shoes I end up in pain by the end of the day. I can walk around my house barefooted for days and no pain at all. Once the shoes go on, the pain is back.

Today I'm having happy day. It's chilly enough outside to wear my comfy slippers. I'm home doing housework. My feet are happy. I'm happy.

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!

I'm grateful for so many things. I've got a list going. Mostly I'm grateful for my family, our home, my loving relationship with God, and of course the dog.

Finding Joy

So, once again I'm getting over being sick. Three weeks I could barely talk so far. I had a three day break and came down with the Flu. Then the rest of my family came down with the flu.

Anyway, this time instead of letting it bring me down and getting depressed I managed to stay optimistic. Knowing that God was with me, knowing that I was going to get over it soon, and knowing that my life still has value and I'm still worthwhile even when I'm sick and can't do anything.

I feel like I've had a definite shift in perception. My sister and I were discussing how the way you look at things makes all the difference in how you feel about them. So, like when you are driving and some idiot pulls in front of you and goes way too slow, you can either have the strong desire to kill this person, or you can decide that it's okay to drive slow, and just relax. You can control how you think and feel about any situation. Whether it's really very nice, or completely sucks depends entirely on how you choose to look at it.

So, instead of feeling like I am a worthless nothing. I looked at the many wonderful blessings and goodness of my life. I looked at the fact that my family loves me and needs me. I'm so important to them. Even my dog needs me and loves me. Heck, I'm really loved.

So, about Joy. Joy is not something that another person can give us. It's something that we need to find within ourselves. It's how we choose to perceive the challenges and adventures life sends our way. Everyone has different things that bring them happiness. We are all so very different in this world. There are things that others do that make them feel good and I wouldn't want to have anything to do with it! However, there are things that I really like that make me feel alive and exhilarated that perhaps people might find boring or tedious. The thing is, that life is what we make it. We can focus on doing those things which are good for us, make us feel good and make us happy. For me, sometimes this is just looking at my family and feeling that peace which comes with knowing I'm treasured. Sometimes it's just praying and being close to God. Sometimes, it's going swimming and feeling the refreshing water. Sometimes it's relaxing and listening to some music I love. Sometimes it's just exercising and knowing that my body feels better when I get up off my butt and move it. It just all depends on how you look at it.

What brings you joy?

Life is Good Today

Last month I went to the women's brunch at my church. While I was there a few of us got to talking about books, and I mentioned that I like to read and wanted to start a book club.
One of the women, says "Have you read 'Blue Like Jazz'?"
Well, no I'd never heard of it.
"You have to read it, I'll bring it to you tomorrow".
Um, okay, you don't know me but you have a book you think I'll like, cool beans.
Next day, she's there with this book. She couldn't tell me what it was about, but she says I'm going to like it. Needless to say, I wasn't as sure as she was that I'd like it at all! But, she did bring it to me and heck I am a reader when I have the time so...

I love this book! By page four I was hooked. It's really not so much about anything, but the author Donald Miller is just talking about his life and stories and recollections of his past. What captured me about this book is the way he writes. He paints pictures with his words like art. He is open and shares his feelings very honestly, which is something most men don't seem to do ever, much less in a public way like this. I'm deeply touched. So, anyone looking for a good read, if you haven't already read it, check it out!

I'm feeling so much better now that I'm not sick. It's amazing how low I felt and now how strong and healthy I feel. My best friend in CA called me last night. I love her dearly. She says life is like going through labor, sometimes you have contractions and they are very difficult and painful, other times you get a rest, and it feels good. (She is a nurse and works with babies) I like that. It's much easier to look at those painful moments as a contraction, which will in fact ease up and you will have those moments of peace in between. It's how we grow, and change. Life is about growing, learning and becoming. So, it made me feel much better of course. Not only that the pain is gone, but also just having a friend, who understands and encourages. When you're having the contraction, it feels like the pain is never going to stop, but it always does. Life is like that.

Happiness

The birds are singing, the sun is shining, flowers are falling from the heavens. Yay, I can talk again! Who knew that not talking for two weeks could make a person go insane! Man, I was freaking out!

Hopefully that's the worst of it for now and I'll get to take the few months off from being sick that I so look forward to each year. I love that the weather has cooled down. I love that it actually gets cool at night now.

I met this guy at church recently, he was telling me he had gone to California once and was surprised that it got so cold at night. I'm thinking, I hate hot!!! I miss that about California. I wish it would always get cold at night around here, but it rarely actually gets anything near what I'd call cold. So many people move to Florida for the weather. I think they must love hot. I'm not a hot fan. I'd rather it be cooler. Not always freezing, but cool enough to go for a walk outside without feeling like you're gonna pass out! Since we've lived here I've met quite a few people who come only for the winter. They live elsewhere during those miserable hot humid summer months and come here only during the winter time, smart people.

Just for kicks, I've decided I rather like blogthings. Want to test your karma?

You Have Good Karma

In general, you like to do the right thing when it comes to others. Your caring personality really shines through. Sure, you have your moments of weakness - and occasionally act out. But, all in all, you're karma is good... even with those few dark spots.

How's Your Karma?

Falling

It's been ten days now. Ten days of being sick. Ten days I cannot speak, and am in constant pain.

I see myself falling down. The longer I'm sick the more angry I get. The more depressed I get, and the more down I get. I'm angry that I'm still sick. I'm angry that I'm tired, I'm angry that I can't do anything. I can't teach, because talking is extremely painful. I can't do much housework, because with the dizziness, every time I go to stand, or walk, I feel like I'm going to fall down. I'm sick of carrying around a notepad to communicate to my family. I'm angry, and what I really want to do is scream my head off, but no noise will come out!

So, here I am. Sick, angry, and I can't do my work. Not my housework, or teaching school work. It makes me feel like a worthless lump who is just taking up space. Not good, not good at all. Here I know what I need to do. I need to exercise, and be productive. These things help me to feel good about myself, about my life. So, because I can't do them, right now I don't feel good about anything.

This is the point when I really need to talk to a friend. When I would ordinarily call my best friend and cry on her shoulder, but since I can't talk at all, I can't even call her. It would be too painful. I've tried. I've tried having a conversation. Ten minutes into it, I'm in so much pain I have to stop. I get angry with my family for asking me questions then saying "what?" while I'm attempting to answer. I actually was so angry at my husband I came to the computer and typed a two page rant! Just to get it all off my chest. Yes, I felt much better, and he was remarkably understanding. It was the quietest rant he's ever heard.

I went to the doctor again today. Even she doesn't get why it's taking so long. I've been on meds for it since last week! They haven't helped at all. Now she's talking about sending me to a "specialist". Great, I know that I can't afford to see a "specialist"! I just need this stupid thing to clear up and go away. I hate being sick. I hate that I can't get things done. I hate feeling so dizzy and tired. It's frustrating, and makes me angry. I feel guilty for resting. I feel guilty for not being a good teacher/mom/wife this past week.

Ooops, I Think I May Have Killed the Temptress

My dear friend in California has recently informed me that we women have two parts. The Nurturer, and the Temptress. The nurturer, naturally, is the mother and wife who takes care of the family. The Temptress, is the confident, beautiful, playful woman who is comfortable in her skin and knows she is desirable.

The Nurturer in me is full on and very strong. I love being a mom, I love taking care of my family and I love nurturing. So, clearly she is the dominant person in the Invisible Woman.

Sadly, I think I may have killed the Temptress. I have never been comfortable with her. She has rarely shown up at all in my life. I remember when I first became sexual as a younger woman. I was so lost that I guess when Temptress showed up, I didn't really know what to do with her. As time went on, since I wasn't very comfortable with her I would just suppress her. Put her in a little box where she couldn't get me into any trouble. Sometimes she fought back and sure enough, got me into trouble. Well, I showed her! I got pregnant! That squashed her but good!

After I had my daughter I was full into Nurture girl and Temptress was left out in the cold. This is not good for husbands who love their wives and want the Temptress to come out and play. So, sometimes I would try to let her out just to make the hubby happy, but I would put her away quickly, because even though hubby was happy, I didn't like her, so back into the box chickie!

Time goes on, the daughter is growing older. Temptress is so often in the box that I never even want to open it. Really I am much more confident as Nurturer than Temptress and quite frankly she scares me. This is sad, because here I am only being half of the woman I should be. Poor hubby doesn't get to see her, and I have left her in the box for so long I think she's dead. I don't know how to revive her. Nothing he does can bring her back. She's very quiet in the box.

I've seen women who are so good at the Temptress, they seem very comfortable in her skin. They are confident and clearly feel beautiful and desirable. Maybe some women spend too much time being Temptress, just like I spend too much time being Nurturer. I think it's important to have balance in ones life. No matter what you do.

As I am on this journey of trying to understand myself I see that I allow things in my life to be out of balance. I spend nearly all of my time doing things for my family. Being that Nurturer. I spend very little time doing things that I truly enjoy. So little in fact that I don't know where to find pleasure in my life. I feel like I hardly know myself. And if Temptress is still alive at all, which seems doubtful, I am terrified of letting her out of the box.

So, maybe it's time to face some of my fears. I know that giving up is not an option. If I don't find the joy in living, I'm not going to be happy and neither is anyone else around me. No I'm not going to give the Temptress full reign in my life. That wouldn't be me at all and I don't think it's healthy. But I'm a happily married woman, I love the hubby, and he does in fact deserve to have her come out and play sometime. Maybe if I can feel more comfortable in my own skin, I'll find some other things in life to enjoy as well. I want that full rich life that some people seem to enjoy. Why can't I have it all?

I've been so blessed. God has given me a great hubby, and a wonderful daughter. He has best of all given me himself. I don't want to be a "worldly woman", but I do want to live in it happily. I think the key to being happy is balance.I struggle with this, probably most people do as well.

What do you think?

Wednesday What? #1

What is up with people calling and not leaving their company name or why they called on the message? For some reason we get calls from "toll free number" . They don't always leave a message and when they do they will not say who they are, what company they represent or why they are calling. Do these people really think I will call them back?

I love caller id. We rarely pick up the phone anymore if we don't know who's calling. Even if the name doesn't appear, it will give me clues like, the city and state they are calling from. Usually it will say the name of the business, or the last name of the caller. Even when it's from a pay phone, my phone says "pay phone" and gives the number. This is great! Because even if I don't know exactly who is using the pay phone, I know that someone in town is calling me from one, so it must be important, and I'll pick up.

I never pick up if the phone says "toll free number". Who are you? Are you calling to sell me something? I don't want you to call and try to sell me something. Why are you hiding behind "toll free number"? Why not have the name of the company so I can call you back if I want to? And by the way, leaving your number and saying "please call..." doesn't tell me who you are, or what you want, so don't expect me to call you. I have better things to do with my time.

Recovery Time

I must like my schedule, because here it is Monday morning and I feel like I'm recovering from the weekend.

I spent all of Friday running errands with a friend, by the end of the day I was tired again. Still I stayed up late and watched re-runs of Bananas with my daughter. For anyone who doesn't know what I'm talking about, Bananas is an improv comedy show that uses only clean family type comedy, so you can watch it with your kids and not worry about what inappropriate things they might say. So, that is our Friday night show. The daughter usually really enjoys it.

Saturday I decided to be brave for a change and go to the Women's Brunch over at the church I've been attending for almost a year now. I don't really know hardly anyone there, so I decided to give it a try and see what it was like. Sadly, it was predictable. The women were of course all very nice, but me, I didn't feel like I fit in. I never do feel like I fit in and so I end up withdrawing. This is a regular routine for me. Try to make friends and get to know people, then when I have tried for a while and usually people either assume I mean something I didn't say, or they assume I'm someone they think I am and they don't really know me at all, I feel really invisible as always. And eventually I get sick of feeling misunderstood and invisible, so I go away from them. Sometimes maybe they wonder why I left, other times they just don't care or don't notice. This is normal invisible stuff. Still, it hurts. I don't know what I expect and I don't know how to lose the oversized chip I seem to carry on my shoulder. I'm asking God to help me with this. I don't much like that I feel this way and I don't know what to do to make it go away. I often feel misunderstood and I haven't yet figured out how to help others understand. I do think the church ladies aren't intentionally making me feel like an outsider. It's just me, I guess. Anyway, I am committed now to not trying to fit in, if it's not a good fit. Because I actually mostly like me as I am and I can't make others see me if it's impossible for them. So, I'm going to just be myself and eventually it will work out or it won't.

Saturday afternoon the daughter went off to her party. So, hubby and I went on a date. We went out to a movie "The Prestige" and then to dinner, and then because we've clearly been married a while, we went to get toilet paper at the store. How romantic!

The movie was good, not great for me, but it was interesting enough. Dinner was good. I didn't overeat. Which is always the big deal for me. I had enough to be satisfied, but not so much that I was too full. So, I didn't have the after eating guilt I get when I over indulge. This of course makes everything better.

Sunday, is always busy at our house. The hubby is usually on the computer while I'm off to church, the daughter came home from her party, tired, but excited about her fun time. We had errands to run and tried to spend time as a family. By Sunday night, I'm just exhausted. So, I'm glad it's Monday. We do have school this morning and it will be a busy day, but I'm glad to be back to my routine.

Better Today

Well the headache has gone for now. Yay!

Yesterday was a much better day. No headaches. School went well, no tirades from the daughter. Hubby was happy, and the dog didn't piddle on the floor. All in all, a very good day.

I found a turkey at the grocery for not too much $$. That was dinner last night, and probably tonight, maybe tomorrow. Why is it that turkeys are only sold around Thanksgiving and Christmas? I like turkey. It takes a while to cook, but once it's done you can do so much with it. Sandwiches for lunch, turkey & vegies for dinner, make a casserole, whatever. It goes with just about everything. Yep, turkey--good.

Thanks to new blog friends for stopping by. I'm a newbie blogger and wouldn't have a clue what I was doing if it wasn't for my really smart sis Christine. I've been exploring a whole new world of blogging and finding there are a lot of you out there sharing your thoughts and your lives. Thanks for that!

I'm excited about having a date this weekend! Hubby and I rarely get to go out on dates. However, the daughter is going to a Birthday/Costume party (how fun) and we are taking advantage of this opportunity to go out. I don't know what we'll do yet, but when the hubby is in fun mode, we always have a good time.

Woe is Me, Just call me Woe

Once again the headache is back. With it I get to have my throat swell up so it hurts to move and to talk. Damn it! I like talking! It's my favorite pass-time. This is not fun.

Don't you hate it when people say "How are you today?" but they don't really care how you are. Why do you ask? Do you want to really know? And this opens a huge can of worms. Do you want to know how my crazy mood is today? Do you want to know how my body is today? Do you want to know my current emotional state? Clearly I'm taking it way too seriously. I just don't like to lie and the question usually makes me stop and think about how I am today. I'm feeling sorry for myself, or I'm lonely, or I need a break! My body hurts just about every day, so that's actually just a normal condition for me, but I'm not likely to explain it to the grocery clerk who just asked because she's trying to be polite. I'm probably going to say, "I'm fine." Which is really code for "It's not really any of your business and I don't think you care anyway." Sometimes if I'm feeling really unwell, like today, I'll say how I really feel. But although I'm sitting here feeling sorry for myself, I really don't like to talk about it.

So, the good news is that although my body, head and throat are all bugging me, I'm actually not feeling too down this time. Trying to stay optimistic and see the bright side of things. At least the weather is cooling down, which means there should be an end to the allergies soon. There is supposed to be a storm coming through today, I like storms they help me to relax. I like the sound of thunder and the rain coming down somehow it calms me.

About Moods

I find myself wondering if all women go through the crazy mood swings that I experience. I remember when I was a child that my mom definitely did. Only somehow when it was my mom, it seemed worse. I hope I'm not that crazy.

I find that some days I am up, happy, appreciating every aspect of my life. Other days, I'm down in the pit. What amazes me is the times when I up, I can't figure out why I ever felt so down, and the times when I'm down, I don't understand how I ever felt so up. It's like being two different people.

I live in an area where I have a lot of allergies. The symptoms make me sick most of the year. The worst of these are the headaches which make all movement and speech extremely painful. So in a way, they make living very difficult. When I don't have the headaches, I often get laryngitis and cannot speak. Making work and or any communication very difficult. This gets me down. The longer I feel sick, the more down I get. That part I think is normal, because most people want to be able to live and communicate, and when you are in pain it does bring you down. Then, it seems like when the pain is gone and I have a "normal" day, I'm back to happy perky me.

I usually think of myself as a very positive person. I try to see the good in people and circumstances. But I know too that on my bad days, I can be horrible. It shocks me really, when I act mean, or say things that hurt people. I know I'm not that woman. So, I find myself surprised by the huge differences in my own behavior. It's what I usually call "psycho hormone syndrome" because it usually comes more frequently when I'm hormonal and seems to get worse with age. When I was younger I never had these big dramatic mood swings, why now?

But It's not just me. My mom was like that. I remember her being two people. Sometimes this very nice loving enjoyable person and other times an evil monster who would hurt you with as much force as possible. As a child I found this very difficult to understand. How one person could change so quickly into something else. It's the Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Hyde thing. The guy who wrote that could very possible have known someone just like my mother. Inspiration don't you know. Anyway, then I met another woman who was that way. I worked with her. She too had two very distinct personalities. One moment she would be the nicest most uplifting person you ever wanted to be around. Then at any random moment, she would turn ugly. Not on the outside, but man could she be cruel. She actually was so harsh with people there were coworkers who were afraid to approach her for any reason. She would send them crying away from her desk. Then, nice lady would reappear and she had no idea why anyone would be afraid of her. It was like when the evil one came, the nice one checked out completely. Unaware that the other existed.

As you can tell I spend a lot of time reflecting and looking within. I want to be someone I like. I want to be someone who makes others feel good. I like to encourage and uplift. But sometimes this other woman takes over my body and says mean things to the people I love. She gets upset over little things and she hates life completely. Who is this chick anyway? Where does she come from? She isn't me!!! But there she is, in my head. I hate that one, but at least I know she is there. I am aware of my own actions. When I say or do hurtful things, I know it was wrong and I quickly apologize. So, at least I don't check out completely like the woman I worked with, and my mom. Still, I wonder how many women go through this? Is it just a woman thing?

About This World

I find that mostly I feel like I’m very out of touch with the world I live in. I spend most of my time focused on our family and our corner of the world seems to be quite small. The only contact I have with most of the world is through the television. I’ve been watching the news more lately, just to know what’s happening.

I don’t mind being disconnected, because overall I really don’t like the world I live in. Most of the things they consider newsworthy is not what I think of as being terribly significant. I am often amazed as I watch television. I wonder things like, why does anyone care what dress or outfit a movie star is wearing? Does this really matter to people? Why do couples get married without having discussions about things like whether or not they want children? Really? This happens? I’ve tried even watching Dr. Phil, and I am just amazed at how many people need this guy to tell them that they are selfish and are not behaving properly. Really? You thought it was okay to lie to everyone that cares about you? What the hell is wrong with this world? Why do people think it’s so important to wear expensive clothes or to have the perfect body? Why do democrats and republicans keep bickering back and forth like immature children? Really? You both want to have what you think is power and run our country, but my 12 year old can see right through you, so who do you think you’re kidding? Stop your childishness! Why is it okay to talk about gay rights, but it’s not okay to talk about what is right and what is wrong? Why don’t people respect each other? Why don’t people actually talk to each other with the desire to understand? Why is the only topic of conversation supposed to be meaningless drivel that has no value for anyone?

Who the hell cares about what happened on the latest reality show? I’m amazed! Either I live in a very disgustingly superficial, materialistic culture, which is sadly lacking in some basic communication skills, or I just have a very distorted view of things. Our movie stars have become the Gods of today. So much so that apparently they are the current advertising trend. Why does someone who makes million dollars a year need to be given a $50,000 dress to wear? Well so other people with more money than brains will go out and buy it of course! Silly me, and I think it’s all a total waste.

I saw a program last week where some scientists have been spending lots of time (and money) trying to decipher exactly what Neil Armstrong said when he walked on the moon. Was it “One small step for man, one giant step for mankind” or was it “One small step for a man, one giant step for mankind” How much money and time has been spent over that “a”? And what difference does it make? Really? This was big news? Man, how desperate are we for something to do? I’m amazed at what people consider to be an important cause. Do you know I found a website dedicated to the danger of lip balm? Really, chapstick is a major issue for some people. I just think if you don’t like chapstick, don’t use it. Am I just being too logical? I go through life being constantly amazed, by what I see on television, the internet and even in the people around me.

What’s really important? I guess the answer to that will depend entirely on who you ask. It would seem that some people think it’s the car, you drive, or the clothes you wear, or your job, or who you are seen with. Some people will say it’s family, or quality of life. I guess it will differ depending on the life you have lived, and what has been most significant to you. I cannot say what is important to others.

I can say what I think. I believe that this world, all of it, is not as important as everyone seems to want it to be. I think this material world is not my home. I’m here on a temporary assignment, so all the little games and power trips seem pretty insignificant. I’m here simply to do my time. I am here to serve God, and be the best wife and mom I can be. So, I will do that and try to enjoy it and appreciate all of it, as much as I am able, until He gives me another assignment. When my work in this world is done, I will go Home and be with God. I'm looking forward to it. This place is way too messed up.

About Christians

So, here’s the thing. No one seems to be able to agree on what a Christian is these days. I’ve heard people who call themselves Christians, say that other Christians are not Christians because they go to the wrong church. I’ve heard Christians tell me that I’m not a Christian if I believe that the earth is over 6000 years old. I’ve had Christians tell me that it’s their job to save the world and we all need to go out and convert everyone else to Christianity. Here’s the problem. How do you convert others if you as a group can’t seem to agree on what it means to be a Christian? How do you intend to convince people that you have the answers when you can’t even be honest with yourself? Most of the Christians I know are not what I think a Christian is. I believe that a Christian is someone who surrenders their life over to God to do his will. And so in doing this follows the teachings and examples that Jesus Christ gave us with his life. All the other crap seems to be petty and insignificant and yet so many Christians give that petty crap their full attention. Why do you want to have an exclusive club? If you think that your job is to get everyone else on board, then why when they are on board do you start to exclude them with all the little details about if you believe this or do that then you’re not a Christian? When I accept Jesus into my life and I surrender everything over to Him, then I am starting a relationship. One like any relationship that needs to be nurtured to grow. One that requires love and attention from both parties. God is always there, He always shows up, so our job then is just to keep showing up and loving and trying. Are we perfect? No way! We are all trying to do our best.

The thing that I hate about Christians is there intolerance for others. You see that? I’m being intolerant of their intolerance! The fact that they want to pity you and feel sorry for you because you aren’t as spiritually mature as they think they are, but if they really were so mature wouldn’t they actually be more tolerant and loving and follow the example that Jesus set for them? What about that?

What about really caring and loving people? I don’t mean that pretend thing that so many of you do when you think you should now pray for the poor soul who’s life is turning to crap, anyone can pretend. What about the people that take the time every week to show up in your Bible study group. Do you know them? Really? I remember being in a Bible study where the host would ramble on about how we were all there to help each other and didn’t once try to get to know anyone in the group. You know this makes me think you’re a liar? I told him that. You say one thing and do something else, buddy the secret is out and you’re full of crap. But he is far, far, far from being the only one. I’ve had Christian women who claim to be my friends spend more time gossiping and trying to find out more about you to talk about behind your back just so they can put a knife in it! (Figuratively) But they consider that they are better Christians than someone who wants to have a loving relationship with God. I look at everything in terms of significance. The way I see it, if you love God and want to follow the teachings of Christ, that would be where to start. Read what he said, see what he did. Did he teach people to hate? Did he teach people to constantly live in fear? Did he tell everyone that he was the master of an exclusive club and you can’t join unless you follow a bunch of rules? Did he say that if you want to belong to my exclusive club you have to go to a specific church and sing a specific song and say specific prayers? ‘Cause I’ve looked and my Bible doesn’t say that!!!

I’ve been to churches that talk more about being afraid of the devil than about loving God. Who do you think you’re serving with that? Did Jesus tell us we should live our lives in fear of the devil or focus our attention on loving God? So the devil is everywhere and he’s always out to get you, do you know how to fight that? Not by doing what he wants and wallowing in fear!!! Not by focusing all of your attention on him! Turn away from that, focus on God. What that’s not enough? If it’s not enough then why are you trying to convert people by telling them God is enough? I am convinced you’ll get more people to see your point of view by being sincere with them. Most of us don’t like to be lied to. We don’t like to have you trying to convince us about how wrong we are when we can see how wrong you are. You don’t think that other people can see the mask you wear?

Well, first hand I can say that I’ve been fooled. Some of you are so good at your lies that I definitely didn’t know you were faking until it was too late. When I had already opened up my heart and gave you some space of your own to crush. You know why people leave the church? I think it’s because when you go there you have higher expectations because they tell you they are a better group than the rest of the world. Then when you open up and give them a piece of you they happily tear it to shreds. Why would I want to give more? Don’t you know I can’t trust you now? I’m the one always trying to see the good in people. I want to trust. I want to share. I want to love. However, some people make it impossible.

So, I am angry. God knows it. I don’t blame God. My faith is strong. I am just sickened by the lies and insincerity I see in those who claim to be Christians. I don’t want to play that game. I don’t want to be like those people. I don’t think God wants that of me either. He didn’t make me that way. Am I a Christian? At this point I know it depends entirely on your personal definition. I certainly fall into that category by my own definition, but at this point I don’t like to mention it, because then I become associated with all the lies and hypocrisy that so many of the other Christians of the world have represented over the years. I’m not ashamed of Jesus, I’m ashamed of you.

About Looking for a Thing

Well, last time I talked all about how much I love working at home. What I didn't talk about was the lack of separate special interests in my life which I think are important. So, by things, I mean something special in a person's life which is a part of who they are and it is special to them. Most of the people I know have a thing. At least one thing. Sometimes it's that they are a Star Wars fan or maybe they really like technology, or perhaps it's something like quilting. It's their thing. Something they enjoy doing or learning about that holds a part of their heart and mind because it is part of who they are. My husband has things, my daughter has things. I on the other hand, really don't have a thing. Unless you want to count my psycho obsession with coffee. Which really isn't much of a thing. It's more me being way to picky and demanding about coffee.

So, I'm now thinking I need a thing. I am going to take a poll and find out if other mom's are mostly thingless or is it just me? If you have a thing, what is it? I have things I enjoy doing, but they are not really my thing. I like to paint in my spare time. I enjoy this, it's a hobby, but I don't want to spend a lot of my time talking with others about painting or learning about all the different painting styles and whoever painted what, so see, it's not my thing. I do kinda have a thing about God. I like God and I really like talking and reading about God, so that is my thing. The problem with this is that I can't really find other people who get enthusiasitc about this thing. They have their ideas and beliefs and really don't want to talk with you if you think differently or if you want to have a discussion. Maybe that's what they figure they go to church for. I don't know, but I don't know of a lot of people who share this thing. At least not in the way I see it. Which is another post entirely.

I guess that although I like my job, I am feeling dissatisfied because my life centers entirely around my family and where they have an outlet that gives them others to talk to about common interests, I really don't have this. And I think it's important to have balance in your life, so really all family and no other thing = out of balance. At least it seems that way to me. So, people ask me what other things are you interested in? Here is where the problem comes in. I'm interested in most things a little, but not many things a lot. So, where I might enjoy going to the opera once in a while, I am not the person who will be following the latest trends and shows and knowing who sings what. I guess when I say I'm looking for a thing, I think what I want is to find something that I am interested in, that other people are interested in. Where you can get together and have discussions about it, or participate in some social interaction, because of a common interest. You know? Just a thing that is my own thing, that I can share with others who have the same thing. I just don't know what my thing is. Dang! I don't know my thing, and I don't know what I want to be when I grow up! So, I just go along each day trying to find joy in life, and appreciate what I have at the moment, which is pretty great when I think about it. So why do I keep wanting something more?

About My Job

I have had many jobs in my life. I remember when I was in school preparing for life in the real world I was told that I should decide on a career and pursue it. The problem is that as a student, I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I had thoughts about what might me nice, but having no experience, how was I supposed to know what thing I would find lifelong satisfaction doing? So, I worked in clerical positions, and various other jobs. I got a degree in Computer Science thinking this would make me a small fortune, just to discover that it was really boring to me. Not to mention the job market being over saturated with qualified candidates that actually didn't think it was boring. The problem with most jobs and me is that once I'm there for maybe 3-6 months I find myself bored and ready to move on to something different. I like variety in my work and I want to be challenged. I can't stand sitting (or standing) and doing the same thing day after day. I cannot imagine ten years of such torture. I have no desire to be the CEO of anything, and I have found that you really don't know what any job will be like until you are doing that job for a little while. So even something that sounds like it might be interesting, could put you to sleep after a few short weeks. So, as you can tell, I'm still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up.

On the other hand, my current job, it's a great job, but most of our culture seems to think of it as insignificant and unimportant. My current job, is being a wife, a mom, and a teacher. Yep, the 21st century homemaker. It's not a position for which I get lots of money, or recognition. I'm not one of today's big time power women making big decisions and controlling lives. No, I'm kinda like a frumpy, overweight, not always level-headed June Cleaver, oh but she didn't homeschool Wally and the Beaver.

So, at first this seems like another job which would be boring, it's certainly not glamorous. However, the more time I spend washing clothes, cooking dinner, teaching my daughter and doing dishes, the happier I am when I see my family living together in harmony. I don't so much like doing laundry, but I like it when my husband has clean clothes to wear to work. I don't necessarily like telling my daughter every day to get her school work finished (constantly, all day long) but I do like to see the A's and B's she gets on her test scores. I like being involved in her daily life. I like working together and learning new things while I teach. I like being here when my husband gets home hungry from a busy day at the office. Heck, I like my job! I like seeing my family happy. It makes me happy! I like that I don't have to get up and dress a certain way and make my hair just perfect and put my make-up on. I like that I can work barefoot all day! I like that I have a flexible schedule. I like that when I am sick, I don't have to call anyone when I feel like crap already. I am blessed with my job, because I know there are a lot of mom's out there who would rather be home with their families, but they cannot afford to stay home.

Not only does being a homemaker/homeschool teacher put a strain on the family budget, but this is a job that many people don't think is important and so they treat you with disrepect. I've had people tell me they don't think I do anything, like all I do is sit around and watch soaps all day. So, "news flash", homeschool moms and homemakers actually work. I don't watch soaps, at all. We watch some news in the morning to keep up with current events in the world around us. Then it's work time. We spend most of the day in the classroom focusing on studies. I have to plan assignments and prepare myself to understand and teach for the day. It's hard when it's your own kids because they pull everything they can to get you to lose focus and push limits. What does teacher do that mom doesn't and vice versa? And on my breaks I keep working, the house needs to be cleaned, dinner planned and prepared, laundry (the never ending supply) needs to be washed, folded and put away. I put in long days. Sometimes it feels like I'm always working. Even at the end of the day when everyone is relaxing and watching television, I'm making sure the dishes are done and the kitchen is clean so I don't wake up to a mess tomorrow. I know that most of you working moms, get home and keep on working too, but don't think that just because the homemaker is home, she's just gossiping and wasting time in front of the TV. My job keeps me busy, gives me plenty of variety, is challenging and for me is more rewarding than working for any organization has ever been. Yep, I love this job! I thank God for giving me this time to be here with my family. This is the best job I have ever had.