Falling

It's been ten days now. Ten days of being sick. Ten days I cannot speak, and am in constant pain.

I see myself falling down. The longer I'm sick the more angry I get. The more depressed I get, and the more down I get. I'm angry that I'm still sick. I'm angry that I'm tired, I'm angry that I can't do anything. I can't teach, because talking is extremely painful. I can't do much housework, because with the dizziness, every time I go to stand, or walk, I feel like I'm going to fall down. I'm sick of carrying around a notepad to communicate to my family. I'm angry, and what I really want to do is scream my head off, but no noise will come out!

So, here I am. Sick, angry, and I can't do my work. Not my housework, or teaching school work. It makes me feel like a worthless lump who is just taking up space. Not good, not good at all. Here I know what I need to do. I need to exercise, and be productive. These things help me to feel good about myself, about my life. So, because I can't do them, right now I don't feel good about anything.

This is the point when I really need to talk to a friend. When I would ordinarily call my best friend and cry on her shoulder, but since I can't talk at all, I can't even call her. It would be too painful. I've tried. I've tried having a conversation. Ten minutes into it, I'm in so much pain I have to stop. I get angry with my family for asking me questions then saying "what?" while I'm attempting to answer. I actually was so angry at my husband I came to the computer and typed a two page rant! Just to get it all off my chest. Yes, I felt much better, and he was remarkably understanding. It was the quietest rant he's ever heard.

I went to the doctor again today. Even she doesn't get why it's taking so long. I've been on meds for it since last week! They haven't helped at all. Now she's talking about sending me to a "specialist". Great, I know that I can't afford to see a "specialist"! I just need this stupid thing to clear up and go away. I hate being sick. I hate that I can't get things done. I hate feeling so dizzy and tired. It's frustrating, and makes me angry. I feel guilty for resting. I feel guilty for not being a good teacher/mom/wife this past week.