Ooops, I Think I May Have Killed the Temptress

My dear friend in California has recently informed me that we women have two parts. The Nurturer, and the Temptress. The nurturer, naturally, is the mother and wife who takes care of the family. The Temptress, is the confident, beautiful, playful woman who is comfortable in her skin and knows she is desirable.

The Nurturer in me is full on and very strong. I love being a mom, I love taking care of my family and I love nurturing. So, clearly she is the dominant person in the Invisible Woman.

Sadly, I think I may have killed the Temptress. I have never been comfortable with her. She has rarely shown up at all in my life. I remember when I first became sexual as a younger woman. I was so lost that I guess when Temptress showed up, I didn't really know what to do with her. As time went on, since I wasn't very comfortable with her I would just suppress her. Put her in a little box where she couldn't get me into any trouble. Sometimes she fought back and sure enough, got me into trouble. Well, I showed her! I got pregnant! That squashed her but good!

After I had my daughter I was full into Nurture girl and Temptress was left out in the cold. This is not good for husbands who love their wives and want the Temptress to come out and play. So, sometimes I would try to let her out just to make the hubby happy, but I would put her away quickly, because even though hubby was happy, I didn't like her, so back into the box chickie!

Time goes on, the daughter is growing older. Temptress is so often in the box that I never even want to open it. Really I am much more confident as Nurturer than Temptress and quite frankly she scares me. This is sad, because here I am only being half of the woman I should be. Poor hubby doesn't get to see her, and I have left her in the box for so long I think she's dead. I don't know how to revive her. Nothing he does can bring her back. She's very quiet in the box.

I've seen women who are so good at the Temptress, they seem very comfortable in her skin. They are confident and clearly feel beautiful and desirable. Maybe some women spend too much time being Temptress, just like I spend too much time being Nurturer. I think it's important to have balance in ones life. No matter what you do.

As I am on this journey of trying to understand myself I see that I allow things in my life to be out of balance. I spend nearly all of my time doing things for my family. Being that Nurturer. I spend very little time doing things that I truly enjoy. So little in fact that I don't know where to find pleasure in my life. I feel like I hardly know myself. And if Temptress is still alive at all, which seems doubtful, I am terrified of letting her out of the box.

So, maybe it's time to face some of my fears. I know that giving up is not an option. If I don't find the joy in living, I'm not going to be happy and neither is anyone else around me. No I'm not going to give the Temptress full reign in my life. That wouldn't be me at all and I don't think it's healthy. But I'm a happily married woman, I love the hubby, and he does in fact deserve to have her come out and play sometime. Maybe if I can feel more comfortable in my own skin, I'll find some other things in life to enjoy as well. I want that full rich life that some people seem to enjoy. Why can't I have it all?

I've been so blessed. God has given me a great hubby, and a wonderful daughter. He has best of all given me himself. I don't want to be a "worldly woman", but I do want to live in it happily. I think the key to being happy is balance.I struggle with this, probably most people do as well.

What do you think?

Wednesday What? #1

What is up with people calling and not leaving their company name or why they called on the message? For some reason we get calls from "toll free number" . They don't always leave a message and when they do they will not say who they are, what company they represent or why they are calling. Do these people really think I will call them back?

I love caller id. We rarely pick up the phone anymore if we don't know who's calling. Even if the name doesn't appear, it will give me clues like, the city and state they are calling from. Usually it will say the name of the business, or the last name of the caller. Even when it's from a pay phone, my phone says "pay phone" and gives the number. This is great! Because even if I don't know exactly who is using the pay phone, I know that someone in town is calling me from one, so it must be important, and I'll pick up.

I never pick up if the phone says "toll free number". Who are you? Are you calling to sell me something? I don't want you to call and try to sell me something. Why are you hiding behind "toll free number"? Why not have the name of the company so I can call you back if I want to? And by the way, leaving your number and saying "please call..." doesn't tell me who you are, or what you want, so don't expect me to call you. I have better things to do with my time.

Recovery Time

I must like my schedule, because here it is Monday morning and I feel like I'm recovering from the weekend.

I spent all of Friday running errands with a friend, by the end of the day I was tired again. Still I stayed up late and watched re-runs of Bananas with my daughter. For anyone who doesn't know what I'm talking about, Bananas is an improv comedy show that uses only clean family type comedy, so you can watch it with your kids and not worry about what inappropriate things they might say. So, that is our Friday night show. The daughter usually really enjoys it.

Saturday I decided to be brave for a change and go to the Women's Brunch over at the church I've been attending for almost a year now. I don't really know hardly anyone there, so I decided to give it a try and see what it was like. Sadly, it was predictable. The women were of course all very nice, but me, I didn't feel like I fit in. I never do feel like I fit in and so I end up withdrawing. This is a regular routine for me. Try to make friends and get to know people, then when I have tried for a while and usually people either assume I mean something I didn't say, or they assume I'm someone they think I am and they don't really know me at all, I feel really invisible as always. And eventually I get sick of feeling misunderstood and invisible, so I go away from them. Sometimes maybe they wonder why I left, other times they just don't care or don't notice. This is normal invisible stuff. Still, it hurts. I don't know what I expect and I don't know how to lose the oversized chip I seem to carry on my shoulder. I'm asking God to help me with this. I don't much like that I feel this way and I don't know what to do to make it go away. I often feel misunderstood and I haven't yet figured out how to help others understand. I do think the church ladies aren't intentionally making me feel like an outsider. It's just me, I guess. Anyway, I am committed now to not trying to fit in, if it's not a good fit. Because I actually mostly like me as I am and I can't make others see me if it's impossible for them. So, I'm going to just be myself and eventually it will work out or it won't.

Saturday afternoon the daughter went off to her party. So, hubby and I went on a date. We went out to a movie "The Prestige" and then to dinner, and then because we've clearly been married a while, we went to get toilet paper at the store. How romantic!

The movie was good, not great for me, but it was interesting enough. Dinner was good. I didn't overeat. Which is always the big deal for me. I had enough to be satisfied, but not so much that I was too full. So, I didn't have the after eating guilt I get when I over indulge. This of course makes everything better.

Sunday, is always busy at our house. The hubby is usually on the computer while I'm off to church, the daughter came home from her party, tired, but excited about her fun time. We had errands to run and tried to spend time as a family. By Sunday night, I'm just exhausted. So, I'm glad it's Monday. We do have school this morning and it will be a busy day, but I'm glad to be back to my routine.

Better Today

Well the headache has gone for now. Yay!

Yesterday was a much better day. No headaches. School went well, no tirades from the daughter. Hubby was happy, and the dog didn't piddle on the floor. All in all, a very good day.

I found a turkey at the grocery for not too much $$. That was dinner last night, and probably tonight, maybe tomorrow. Why is it that turkeys are only sold around Thanksgiving and Christmas? I like turkey. It takes a while to cook, but once it's done you can do so much with it. Sandwiches for lunch, turkey & vegies for dinner, make a casserole, whatever. It goes with just about everything. Yep, turkey--good.

Thanks to new blog friends for stopping by. I'm a newbie blogger and wouldn't have a clue what I was doing if it wasn't for my really smart sis Christine. I've been exploring a whole new world of blogging and finding there are a lot of you out there sharing your thoughts and your lives. Thanks for that!

I'm excited about having a date this weekend! Hubby and I rarely get to go out on dates. However, the daughter is going to a Birthday/Costume party (how fun) and we are taking advantage of this opportunity to go out. I don't know what we'll do yet, but when the hubby is in fun mode, we always have a good time.

Woe is Me, Just call me Woe

Once again the headache is back. With it I get to have my throat swell up so it hurts to move and to talk. Damn it! I like talking! It's my favorite pass-time. This is not fun.

Don't you hate it when people say "How are you today?" but they don't really care how you are. Why do you ask? Do you want to really know? And this opens a huge can of worms. Do you want to know how my crazy mood is today? Do you want to know how my body is today? Do you want to know my current emotional state? Clearly I'm taking it way too seriously. I just don't like to lie and the question usually makes me stop and think about how I am today. I'm feeling sorry for myself, or I'm lonely, or I need a break! My body hurts just about every day, so that's actually just a normal condition for me, but I'm not likely to explain it to the grocery clerk who just asked because she's trying to be polite. I'm probably going to say, "I'm fine." Which is really code for "It's not really any of your business and I don't think you care anyway." Sometimes if I'm feeling really unwell, like today, I'll say how I really feel. But although I'm sitting here feeling sorry for myself, I really don't like to talk about it.

So, the good news is that although my body, head and throat are all bugging me, I'm actually not feeling too down this time. Trying to stay optimistic and see the bright side of things. At least the weather is cooling down, which means there should be an end to the allergies soon. There is supposed to be a storm coming through today, I like storms they help me to relax. I like the sound of thunder and the rain coming down somehow it calms me.

About Moods

I find myself wondering if all women go through the crazy mood swings that I experience. I remember when I was a child that my mom definitely did. Only somehow when it was my mom, it seemed worse. I hope I'm not that crazy.

I find that some days I am up, happy, appreciating every aspect of my life. Other days, I'm down in the pit. What amazes me is the times when I up, I can't figure out why I ever felt so down, and the times when I'm down, I don't understand how I ever felt so up. It's like being two different people.

I live in an area where I have a lot of allergies. The symptoms make me sick most of the year. The worst of these are the headaches which make all movement and speech extremely painful. So in a way, they make living very difficult. When I don't have the headaches, I often get laryngitis and cannot speak. Making work and or any communication very difficult. This gets me down. The longer I feel sick, the more down I get. That part I think is normal, because most people want to be able to live and communicate, and when you are in pain it does bring you down. Then, it seems like when the pain is gone and I have a "normal" day, I'm back to happy perky me.

I usually think of myself as a very positive person. I try to see the good in people and circumstances. But I know too that on my bad days, I can be horrible. It shocks me really, when I act mean, or say things that hurt people. I know I'm not that woman. So, I find myself surprised by the huge differences in my own behavior. It's what I usually call "psycho hormone syndrome" because it usually comes more frequently when I'm hormonal and seems to get worse with age. When I was younger I never had these big dramatic mood swings, why now?

But It's not just me. My mom was like that. I remember her being two people. Sometimes this very nice loving enjoyable person and other times an evil monster who would hurt you with as much force as possible. As a child I found this very difficult to understand. How one person could change so quickly into something else. It's the Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Hyde thing. The guy who wrote that could very possible have known someone just like my mother. Inspiration don't you know. Anyway, then I met another woman who was that way. I worked with her. She too had two very distinct personalities. One moment she would be the nicest most uplifting person you ever wanted to be around. Then at any random moment, she would turn ugly. Not on the outside, but man could she be cruel. She actually was so harsh with people there were coworkers who were afraid to approach her for any reason. She would send them crying away from her desk. Then, nice lady would reappear and she had no idea why anyone would be afraid of her. It was like when the evil one came, the nice one checked out completely. Unaware that the other existed.

As you can tell I spend a lot of time reflecting and looking within. I want to be someone I like. I want to be someone who makes others feel good. I like to encourage and uplift. But sometimes this other woman takes over my body and says mean things to the people I love. She gets upset over little things and she hates life completely. Who is this chick anyway? Where does she come from? She isn't me!!! But there she is, in my head. I hate that one, but at least I know she is there. I am aware of my own actions. When I say or do hurtful things, I know it was wrong and I quickly apologize. So, at least I don't check out completely like the woman I worked with, and my mom. Still, I wonder how many women go through this? Is it just a woman thing?

About This World

I find that mostly I feel like I’m very out of touch with the world I live in. I spend most of my time focused on our family and our corner of the world seems to be quite small. The only contact I have with most of the world is through the television. I’ve been watching the news more lately, just to know what’s happening.

I don’t mind being disconnected, because overall I really don’t like the world I live in. Most of the things they consider newsworthy is not what I think of as being terribly significant. I am often amazed as I watch television. I wonder things like, why does anyone care what dress or outfit a movie star is wearing? Does this really matter to people? Why do couples get married without having discussions about things like whether or not they want children? Really? This happens? I’ve tried even watching Dr. Phil, and I am just amazed at how many people need this guy to tell them that they are selfish and are not behaving properly. Really? You thought it was okay to lie to everyone that cares about you? What the hell is wrong with this world? Why do people think it’s so important to wear expensive clothes or to have the perfect body? Why do democrats and republicans keep bickering back and forth like immature children? Really? You both want to have what you think is power and run our country, but my 12 year old can see right through you, so who do you think you’re kidding? Stop your childishness! Why is it okay to talk about gay rights, but it’s not okay to talk about what is right and what is wrong? Why don’t people respect each other? Why don’t people actually talk to each other with the desire to understand? Why is the only topic of conversation supposed to be meaningless drivel that has no value for anyone?

Who the hell cares about what happened on the latest reality show? I’m amazed! Either I live in a very disgustingly superficial, materialistic culture, which is sadly lacking in some basic communication skills, or I just have a very distorted view of things. Our movie stars have become the Gods of today. So much so that apparently they are the current advertising trend. Why does someone who makes million dollars a year need to be given a $50,000 dress to wear? Well so other people with more money than brains will go out and buy it of course! Silly me, and I think it’s all a total waste.

I saw a program last week where some scientists have been spending lots of time (and money) trying to decipher exactly what Neil Armstrong said when he walked on the moon. Was it “One small step for man, one giant step for mankind” or was it “One small step for a man, one giant step for mankind” How much money and time has been spent over that “a”? And what difference does it make? Really? This was big news? Man, how desperate are we for something to do? I’m amazed at what people consider to be an important cause. Do you know I found a website dedicated to the danger of lip balm? Really, chapstick is a major issue for some people. I just think if you don’t like chapstick, don’t use it. Am I just being too logical? I go through life being constantly amazed, by what I see on television, the internet and even in the people around me.

What’s really important? I guess the answer to that will depend entirely on who you ask. It would seem that some people think it’s the car, you drive, or the clothes you wear, or your job, or who you are seen with. Some people will say it’s family, or quality of life. I guess it will differ depending on the life you have lived, and what has been most significant to you. I cannot say what is important to others.

I can say what I think. I believe that this world, all of it, is not as important as everyone seems to want it to be. I think this material world is not my home. I’m here on a temporary assignment, so all the little games and power trips seem pretty insignificant. I’m here simply to do my time. I am here to serve God, and be the best wife and mom I can be. So, I will do that and try to enjoy it and appreciate all of it, as much as I am able, until He gives me another assignment. When my work in this world is done, I will go Home and be with God. I'm looking forward to it. This place is way too messed up.