Falling

It's been ten days now. Ten days of being sick. Ten days I cannot speak, and am in constant pain.

I see myself falling down. The longer I'm sick the more angry I get. The more depressed I get, and the more down I get. I'm angry that I'm still sick. I'm angry that I'm tired, I'm angry that I can't do anything. I can't teach, because talking is extremely painful. I can't do much housework, because with the dizziness, every time I go to stand, or walk, I feel like I'm going to fall down. I'm sick of carrying around a notepad to communicate to my family. I'm angry, and what I really want to do is scream my head off, but no noise will come out!

So, here I am. Sick, angry, and I can't do my work. Not my housework, or teaching school work. It makes me feel like a worthless lump who is just taking up space. Not good, not good at all. Here I know what I need to do. I need to exercise, and be productive. These things help me to feel good about myself, about my life. So, because I can't do them, right now I don't feel good about anything.

This is the point when I really need to talk to a friend. When I would ordinarily call my best friend and cry on her shoulder, but since I can't talk at all, I can't even call her. It would be too painful. I've tried. I've tried having a conversation. Ten minutes into it, I'm in so much pain I have to stop. I get angry with my family for asking me questions then saying "what?" while I'm attempting to answer. I actually was so angry at my husband I came to the computer and typed a two page rant! Just to get it all off my chest. Yes, I felt much better, and he was remarkably understanding. It was the quietest rant he's ever heard.

I went to the doctor again today. Even she doesn't get why it's taking so long. I've been on meds for it since last week! They haven't helped at all. Now she's talking about sending me to a "specialist". Great, I know that I can't afford to see a "specialist"! I just need this stupid thing to clear up and go away. I hate being sick. I hate that I can't get things done. I hate feeling so dizzy and tired. It's frustrating, and makes me angry. I feel guilty for resting. I feel guilty for not being a good teacher/mom/wife this past week.

Ooops, I Think I May Have Killed the Temptress

My dear friend in California has recently informed me that we women have two parts. The Nurturer, and the Temptress. The nurturer, naturally, is the mother and wife who takes care of the family. The Temptress, is the confident, beautiful, playful woman who is comfortable in her skin and knows she is desirable.

The Nurturer in me is full on and very strong. I love being a mom, I love taking care of my family and I love nurturing. So, clearly she is the dominant person in the Invisible Woman.

Sadly, I think I may have killed the Temptress. I have never been comfortable with her. She has rarely shown up at all in my life. I remember when I first became sexual as a younger woman. I was so lost that I guess when Temptress showed up, I didn't really know what to do with her. As time went on, since I wasn't very comfortable with her I would just suppress her. Put her in a little box where she couldn't get me into any trouble. Sometimes she fought back and sure enough, got me into trouble. Well, I showed her! I got pregnant! That squashed her but good!

After I had my daughter I was full into Nurture girl and Temptress was left out in the cold. This is not good for husbands who love their wives and want the Temptress to come out and play. So, sometimes I would try to let her out just to make the hubby happy, but I would put her away quickly, because even though hubby was happy, I didn't like her, so back into the box chickie!

Time goes on, the daughter is growing older. Temptress is so often in the box that I never even want to open it. Really I am much more confident as Nurturer than Temptress and quite frankly she scares me. This is sad, because here I am only being half of the woman I should be. Poor hubby doesn't get to see her, and I have left her in the box for so long I think she's dead. I don't know how to revive her. Nothing he does can bring her back. She's very quiet in the box.

I've seen women who are so good at the Temptress, they seem very comfortable in her skin. They are confident and clearly feel beautiful and desirable. Maybe some women spend too much time being Temptress, just like I spend too much time being Nurturer. I think it's important to have balance in ones life. No matter what you do.

As I am on this journey of trying to understand myself I see that I allow things in my life to be out of balance. I spend nearly all of my time doing things for my family. Being that Nurturer. I spend very little time doing things that I truly enjoy. So little in fact that I don't know where to find pleasure in my life. I feel like I hardly know myself. And if Temptress is still alive at all, which seems doubtful, I am terrified of letting her out of the box.

So, maybe it's time to face some of my fears. I know that giving up is not an option. If I don't find the joy in living, I'm not going to be happy and neither is anyone else around me. No I'm not going to give the Temptress full reign in my life. That wouldn't be me at all and I don't think it's healthy. But I'm a happily married woman, I love the hubby, and he does in fact deserve to have her come out and play sometime. Maybe if I can feel more comfortable in my own skin, I'll find some other things in life to enjoy as well. I want that full rich life that some people seem to enjoy. Why can't I have it all?

I've been so blessed. God has given me a great hubby, and a wonderful daughter. He has best of all given me himself. I don't want to be a "worldly woman", but I do want to live in it happily. I think the key to being happy is balance.I struggle with this, probably most people do as well.

What do you think?

Wednesday What? #1

What is up with people calling and not leaving their company name or why they called on the message? For some reason we get calls from "toll free number" . They don't always leave a message and when they do they will not say who they are, what company they represent or why they are calling. Do these people really think I will call them back?

I love caller id. We rarely pick up the phone anymore if we don't know who's calling. Even if the name doesn't appear, it will give me clues like, the city and state they are calling from. Usually it will say the name of the business, or the last name of the caller. Even when it's from a pay phone, my phone says "pay phone" and gives the number. This is great! Because even if I don't know exactly who is using the pay phone, I know that someone in town is calling me from one, so it must be important, and I'll pick up.

I never pick up if the phone says "toll free number". Who are you? Are you calling to sell me something? I don't want you to call and try to sell me something. Why are you hiding behind "toll free number"? Why not have the name of the company so I can call you back if I want to? And by the way, leaving your number and saying "please call..." doesn't tell me who you are, or what you want, so don't expect me to call you. I have better things to do with my time.

Recovery Time

I must like my schedule, because here it is Monday morning and I feel like I'm recovering from the weekend.

I spent all of Friday running errands with a friend, by the end of the day I was tired again. Still I stayed up late and watched re-runs of Bananas with my daughter. For anyone who doesn't know what I'm talking about, Bananas is an improv comedy show that uses only clean family type comedy, so you can watch it with your kids and not worry about what inappropriate things they might say. So, that is our Friday night show. The daughter usually really enjoys it.

Saturday I decided to be brave for a change and go to the Women's Brunch over at the church I've been attending for almost a year now. I don't really know hardly anyone there, so I decided to give it a try and see what it was like. Sadly, it was predictable. The women were of course all very nice, but me, I didn't feel like I fit in. I never do feel like I fit in and so I end up withdrawing. This is a regular routine for me. Try to make friends and get to know people, then when I have tried for a while and usually people either assume I mean something I didn't say, or they assume I'm someone they think I am and they don't really know me at all, I feel really invisible as always. And eventually I get sick of feeling misunderstood and invisible, so I go away from them. Sometimes maybe they wonder why I left, other times they just don't care or don't notice. This is normal invisible stuff. Still, it hurts. I don't know what I expect and I don't know how to lose the oversized chip I seem to carry on my shoulder. I'm asking God to help me with this. I don't much like that I feel this way and I don't know what to do to make it go away. I often feel misunderstood and I haven't yet figured out how to help others understand. I do think the church ladies aren't intentionally making me feel like an outsider. It's just me, I guess. Anyway, I am committed now to not trying to fit in, if it's not a good fit. Because I actually mostly like me as I am and I can't make others see me if it's impossible for them. So, I'm going to just be myself and eventually it will work out or it won't.

Saturday afternoon the daughter went off to her party. So, hubby and I went on a date. We went out to a movie "The Prestige" and then to dinner, and then because we've clearly been married a while, we went to get toilet paper at the store. How romantic!

The movie was good, not great for me, but it was interesting enough. Dinner was good. I didn't overeat. Which is always the big deal for me. I had enough to be satisfied, but not so much that I was too full. So, I didn't have the after eating guilt I get when I over indulge. This of course makes everything better.

Sunday, is always busy at our house. The hubby is usually on the computer while I'm off to church, the daughter came home from her party, tired, but excited about her fun time. We had errands to run and tried to spend time as a family. By Sunday night, I'm just exhausted. So, I'm glad it's Monday. We do have school this morning and it will be a busy day, but I'm glad to be back to my routine.