Shoes

Why are shoes so uncomfortable? I don't much like shoes. Mostly I walk around barefoot whenever possible. If I'm not barefoot I like to cuddle up with a nice pair of cozy slippers.

Slippers are so wonderful. They cuddle and gently hug my feet. They are nice and warm and soft. Shoes however are the anti-slipper. Shoes are hard and mean and hurt my feet. Doesn't matter which shoes I'm wearing. I have many many pairs. Some for dressing up in dresses, some for walking around with my jeans, some for that in the middle casual look. I know that without shoes I would step on rocks and hot cement and it would be painful, however every time I wear shoes I end up in pain by the end of the day. I can walk around my house barefooted for days and no pain at all. Once the shoes go on, the pain is back.

Today I'm having happy day. It's chilly enough outside to wear my comfy slippers. I'm home doing housework. My feet are happy. I'm happy.

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!

I'm grateful for so many things. I've got a list going. Mostly I'm grateful for my family, our home, my loving relationship with God, and of course the dog.

Finding Joy

So, once again I'm getting over being sick. Three weeks I could barely talk so far. I had a three day break and came down with the Flu. Then the rest of my family came down with the flu.

Anyway, this time instead of letting it bring me down and getting depressed I managed to stay optimistic. Knowing that God was with me, knowing that I was going to get over it soon, and knowing that my life still has value and I'm still worthwhile even when I'm sick and can't do anything.

I feel like I've had a definite shift in perception. My sister and I were discussing how the way you look at things makes all the difference in how you feel about them. So, like when you are driving and some idiot pulls in front of you and goes way too slow, you can either have the strong desire to kill this person, or you can decide that it's okay to drive slow, and just relax. You can control how you think and feel about any situation. Whether it's really very nice, or completely sucks depends entirely on how you choose to look at it.

So, instead of feeling like I am a worthless nothing. I looked at the many wonderful blessings and goodness of my life. I looked at the fact that my family loves me and needs me. I'm so important to them. Even my dog needs me and loves me. Heck, I'm really loved.

So, about Joy. Joy is not something that another person can give us. It's something that we need to find within ourselves. It's how we choose to perceive the challenges and adventures life sends our way. Everyone has different things that bring them happiness. We are all so very different in this world. There are things that others do that make them feel good and I wouldn't want to have anything to do with it! However, there are things that I really like that make me feel alive and exhilarated that perhaps people might find boring or tedious. The thing is, that life is what we make it. We can focus on doing those things which are good for us, make us feel good and make us happy. For me, sometimes this is just looking at my family and feeling that peace which comes with knowing I'm treasured. Sometimes it's just praying and being close to God. Sometimes, it's going swimming and feeling the refreshing water. Sometimes it's relaxing and listening to some music I love. Sometimes it's just exercising and knowing that my body feels better when I get up off my butt and move it. It just all depends on how you look at it.

What brings you joy?

Life is Good Today

Last month I went to the women's brunch at my church. While I was there a few of us got to talking about books, and I mentioned that I like to read and wanted to start a book club.
One of the women, says "Have you read 'Blue Like Jazz'?"
Well, no I'd never heard of it.
"You have to read it, I'll bring it to you tomorrow".
Um, okay, you don't know me but you have a book you think I'll like, cool beans.
Next day, she's there with this book. She couldn't tell me what it was about, but she says I'm going to like it. Needless to say, I wasn't as sure as she was that I'd like it at all! But, she did bring it to me and heck I am a reader when I have the time so...

I love this book! By page four I was hooked. It's really not so much about anything, but the author Donald Miller is just talking about his life and stories and recollections of his past. What captured me about this book is the way he writes. He paints pictures with his words like art. He is open and shares his feelings very honestly, which is something most men don't seem to do ever, much less in a public way like this. I'm deeply touched. So, anyone looking for a good read, if you haven't already read it, check it out!

I'm feeling so much better now that I'm not sick. It's amazing how low I felt and now how strong and healthy I feel. My best friend in CA called me last night. I love her dearly. She says life is like going through labor, sometimes you have contractions and they are very difficult and painful, other times you get a rest, and it feels good. (She is a nurse and works with babies) I like that. It's much easier to look at those painful moments as a contraction, which will in fact ease up and you will have those moments of peace in between. It's how we grow, and change. Life is about growing, learning and becoming. So, it made me feel much better of course. Not only that the pain is gone, but also just having a friend, who understands and encourages. When you're having the contraction, it feels like the pain is never going to stop, but it always does. Life is like that.

Happiness

The birds are singing, the sun is shining, flowers are falling from the heavens. Yay, I can talk again! Who knew that not talking for two weeks could make a person go insane! Man, I was freaking out!

Hopefully that's the worst of it for now and I'll get to take the few months off from being sick that I so look forward to each year. I love that the weather has cooled down. I love that it actually gets cool at night now.

I met this guy at church recently, he was telling me he had gone to California once and was surprised that it got so cold at night. I'm thinking, I hate hot!!! I miss that about California. I wish it would always get cold at night around here, but it rarely actually gets anything near what I'd call cold. So many people move to Florida for the weather. I think they must love hot. I'm not a hot fan. I'd rather it be cooler. Not always freezing, but cool enough to go for a walk outside without feeling like you're gonna pass out! Since we've lived here I've met quite a few people who come only for the winter. They live elsewhere during those miserable hot humid summer months and come here only during the winter time, smart people.

Just for kicks, I've decided I rather like blogthings. Want to test your karma?

You Have Good Karma

In general, you like to do the right thing when it comes to others. Your caring personality really shines through. Sure, you have your moments of weakness - and occasionally act out. But, all in all, you're karma is good... even with those few dark spots.

How's Your Karma?

Falling

It's been ten days now. Ten days of being sick. Ten days I cannot speak, and am in constant pain.

I see myself falling down. The longer I'm sick the more angry I get. The more depressed I get, and the more down I get. I'm angry that I'm still sick. I'm angry that I'm tired, I'm angry that I can't do anything. I can't teach, because talking is extremely painful. I can't do much housework, because with the dizziness, every time I go to stand, or walk, I feel like I'm going to fall down. I'm sick of carrying around a notepad to communicate to my family. I'm angry, and what I really want to do is scream my head off, but no noise will come out!

So, here I am. Sick, angry, and I can't do my work. Not my housework, or teaching school work. It makes me feel like a worthless lump who is just taking up space. Not good, not good at all. Here I know what I need to do. I need to exercise, and be productive. These things help me to feel good about myself, about my life. So, because I can't do them, right now I don't feel good about anything.

This is the point when I really need to talk to a friend. When I would ordinarily call my best friend and cry on her shoulder, but since I can't talk at all, I can't even call her. It would be too painful. I've tried. I've tried having a conversation. Ten minutes into it, I'm in so much pain I have to stop. I get angry with my family for asking me questions then saying "what?" while I'm attempting to answer. I actually was so angry at my husband I came to the computer and typed a two page rant! Just to get it all off my chest. Yes, I felt much better, and he was remarkably understanding. It was the quietest rant he's ever heard.

I went to the doctor again today. Even she doesn't get why it's taking so long. I've been on meds for it since last week! They haven't helped at all. Now she's talking about sending me to a "specialist". Great, I know that I can't afford to see a "specialist"! I just need this stupid thing to clear up and go away. I hate being sick. I hate that I can't get things done. I hate feeling so dizzy and tired. It's frustrating, and makes me angry. I feel guilty for resting. I feel guilty for not being a good teacher/mom/wife this past week.