Life is Good Today

Last month I went to the women's brunch at my church. While I was there a few of us got to talking about books, and I mentioned that I like to read and wanted to start a book club.
One of the women, says "Have you read 'Blue Like Jazz'?"
Well, no I'd never heard of it.
"You have to read it, I'll bring it to you tomorrow".
Um, okay, you don't know me but you have a book you think I'll like, cool beans.
Next day, she's there with this book. She couldn't tell me what it was about, but she says I'm going to like it. Needless to say, I wasn't as sure as she was that I'd like it at all! But, she did bring it to me and heck I am a reader when I have the time so...

I love this book! By page four I was hooked. It's really not so much about anything, but the author Donald Miller is just talking about his life and stories and recollections of his past. What captured me about this book is the way he writes. He paints pictures with his words like art. He is open and shares his feelings very honestly, which is something most men don't seem to do ever, much less in a public way like this. I'm deeply touched. So, anyone looking for a good read, if you haven't already read it, check it out!

I'm feeling so much better now that I'm not sick. It's amazing how low I felt and now how strong and healthy I feel. My best friend in CA called me last night. I love her dearly. She says life is like going through labor, sometimes you have contractions and they are very difficult and painful, other times you get a rest, and it feels good. (She is a nurse and works with babies) I like that. It's much easier to look at those painful moments as a contraction, which will in fact ease up and you will have those moments of peace in between. It's how we grow, and change. Life is about growing, learning and becoming. So, it made me feel much better of course. Not only that the pain is gone, but also just having a friend, who understands and encourages. When you're having the contraction, it feels like the pain is never going to stop, but it always does. Life is like that.

Happiness

The birds are singing, the sun is shining, flowers are falling from the heavens. Yay, I can talk again! Who knew that not talking for two weeks could make a person go insane! Man, I was freaking out!

Hopefully that's the worst of it for now and I'll get to take the few months off from being sick that I so look forward to each year. I love that the weather has cooled down. I love that it actually gets cool at night now.

I met this guy at church recently, he was telling me he had gone to California once and was surprised that it got so cold at night. I'm thinking, I hate hot!!! I miss that about California. I wish it would always get cold at night around here, but it rarely actually gets anything near what I'd call cold. So many people move to Florida for the weather. I think they must love hot. I'm not a hot fan. I'd rather it be cooler. Not always freezing, but cool enough to go for a walk outside without feeling like you're gonna pass out! Since we've lived here I've met quite a few people who come only for the winter. They live elsewhere during those miserable hot humid summer months and come here only during the winter time, smart people.

Just for kicks, I've decided I rather like blogthings. Want to test your karma?

You Have Good Karma

In general, you like to do the right thing when it comes to others. Your caring personality really shines through. Sure, you have your moments of weakness - and occasionally act out. But, all in all, you're karma is good... even with those few dark spots.

How's Your Karma?

Falling

It's been ten days now. Ten days of being sick. Ten days I cannot speak, and am in constant pain.

I see myself falling down. The longer I'm sick the more angry I get. The more depressed I get, and the more down I get. I'm angry that I'm still sick. I'm angry that I'm tired, I'm angry that I can't do anything. I can't teach, because talking is extremely painful. I can't do much housework, because with the dizziness, every time I go to stand, or walk, I feel like I'm going to fall down. I'm sick of carrying around a notepad to communicate to my family. I'm angry, and what I really want to do is scream my head off, but no noise will come out!

So, here I am. Sick, angry, and I can't do my work. Not my housework, or teaching school work. It makes me feel like a worthless lump who is just taking up space. Not good, not good at all. Here I know what I need to do. I need to exercise, and be productive. These things help me to feel good about myself, about my life. So, because I can't do them, right now I don't feel good about anything.

This is the point when I really need to talk to a friend. When I would ordinarily call my best friend and cry on her shoulder, but since I can't talk at all, I can't even call her. It would be too painful. I've tried. I've tried having a conversation. Ten minutes into it, I'm in so much pain I have to stop. I get angry with my family for asking me questions then saying "what?" while I'm attempting to answer. I actually was so angry at my husband I came to the computer and typed a two page rant! Just to get it all off my chest. Yes, I felt much better, and he was remarkably understanding. It was the quietest rant he's ever heard.

I went to the doctor again today. Even she doesn't get why it's taking so long. I've been on meds for it since last week! They haven't helped at all. Now she's talking about sending me to a "specialist". Great, I know that I can't afford to see a "specialist"! I just need this stupid thing to clear up and go away. I hate being sick. I hate that I can't get things done. I hate feeling so dizzy and tired. It's frustrating, and makes me angry. I feel guilty for resting. I feel guilty for not being a good teacher/mom/wife this past week.

Ooops, I Think I May Have Killed the Temptress

My dear friend in California has recently informed me that we women have two parts. The Nurturer, and the Temptress. The nurturer, naturally, is the mother and wife who takes care of the family. The Temptress, is the confident, beautiful, playful woman who is comfortable in her skin and knows she is desirable.

The Nurturer in me is full on and very strong. I love being a mom, I love taking care of my family and I love nurturing. So, clearly she is the dominant person in the Invisible Woman.

Sadly, I think I may have killed the Temptress. I have never been comfortable with her. She has rarely shown up at all in my life. I remember when I first became sexual as a younger woman. I was so lost that I guess when Temptress showed up, I didn't really know what to do with her. As time went on, since I wasn't very comfortable with her I would just suppress her. Put her in a little box where she couldn't get me into any trouble. Sometimes she fought back and sure enough, got me into trouble. Well, I showed her! I got pregnant! That squashed her but good!

After I had my daughter I was full into Nurture girl and Temptress was left out in the cold. This is not good for husbands who love their wives and want the Temptress to come out and play. So, sometimes I would try to let her out just to make the hubby happy, but I would put her away quickly, because even though hubby was happy, I didn't like her, so back into the box chickie!

Time goes on, the daughter is growing older. Temptress is so often in the box that I never even want to open it. Really I am much more confident as Nurturer than Temptress and quite frankly she scares me. This is sad, because here I am only being half of the woman I should be. Poor hubby doesn't get to see her, and I have left her in the box for so long I think she's dead. I don't know how to revive her. Nothing he does can bring her back. She's very quiet in the box.

I've seen women who are so good at the Temptress, they seem very comfortable in her skin. They are confident and clearly feel beautiful and desirable. Maybe some women spend too much time being Temptress, just like I spend too much time being Nurturer. I think it's important to have balance in ones life. No matter what you do.

As I am on this journey of trying to understand myself I see that I allow things in my life to be out of balance. I spend nearly all of my time doing things for my family. Being that Nurturer. I spend very little time doing things that I truly enjoy. So little in fact that I don't know where to find pleasure in my life. I feel like I hardly know myself. And if Temptress is still alive at all, which seems doubtful, I am terrified of letting her out of the box.

So, maybe it's time to face some of my fears. I know that giving up is not an option. If I don't find the joy in living, I'm not going to be happy and neither is anyone else around me. No I'm not going to give the Temptress full reign in my life. That wouldn't be me at all and I don't think it's healthy. But I'm a happily married woman, I love the hubby, and he does in fact deserve to have her come out and play sometime. Maybe if I can feel more comfortable in my own skin, I'll find some other things in life to enjoy as well. I want that full rich life that some people seem to enjoy. Why can't I have it all?

I've been so blessed. God has given me a great hubby, and a wonderful daughter. He has best of all given me himself. I don't want to be a "worldly woman", but I do want to live in it happily. I think the key to being happy is balance.I struggle with this, probably most people do as well.

What do you think?